A Broken Heart and a Lesson Learned

 He was super cute. Grant it, I wasn't supposed to date but when did that ever stop any of us. We worked together so honestly it wasn't that hard. Every single day before work, I'd spend hours prepping to make sure I looked great. Not for the job mind you, but for the fact that he would be there and maybe just maybe have time to hang out afterward. I had a car, he didn't and so most of the time we flirted outside while we waited for his mother to pick him up. 

With cute dark soft hair, blue eyes you could drown in, and a smile that lit up my world, no girl could deny that face. I didn't even want to try to. That was my first mistake. We were texting at the time and when his texts became a little too flirtatious, my parents cut off our communication. There was always work though. So, we hung out more there. Flirting, playing, and floating on air, I was living the Hallmark dream. He held my hand during our work meetings, and I didn't hear a single word they said. 

Two weeks later, things had been getting weird. I'd see him flirting with other girls. He joked about his multiple girlfriends even fake proposing to one of them. He would say things to me that wounded not only my pride but also my heart. He acted like I was unimportant and made me feel unlovable. After some time, I couldn't take it anymore and confronted him. He was honest and upfront with me, thank God. He informed me that he frankly wasn't ready and had lost interest after my parents banned us from texting despite the continued flirtation. I was wounded but put up a good front. I told him I understood, and I hoped we could still be friends especially because I had bonded with his family during our time together. I worked the remaining three hours of my shift and drove home in a sobbing mess almost crashing multiple times because of my tears. This was the first and only time I ever harmed myself. The stupidest thing I could've done but I felt I needed to add physical injury to emotional to truly stop the pain. It didn't work. 

I spent the next month acting like nothing was wrong. I would drive to work and act cordially. I made sure my friends didn't go after him despite their desire to. After all, it wasn't his fault he lost interest. At the end of my shifts, I would cry my way home. I felt hurt, unlovable, and forgettable. How does someone who seems that passionate about you lose interest so quickly? 

This time was rough but I did learn something from it. I didn't love myself. I didn't value myself enough to know that it wasn't me, it was him. He was not in the wrong but neither was I. Everything I had done was right and fine, except for disobeying my parents. I was lovable but he wasn't the one meant to love me and didn't truly love me at all. After talking with someone, I started my journey towards loving and accepting myself flaws and all, messes and all. I'm still working on it. 

I share this with you in hopes you can feel comforted in whatever pain or struggle you are going through. You are not alone and you are perfectly loved. There are girls out there like me, like you, who are hurting and we need to find the healing inside ourselves to become a fire that drives out pain and radiates our own unique light. Thank you for reading today. Please leave a comment if you would like to share your own story or comment on mine. Prayers and encouragement are always appreciated.